is it okay now for me to fall?

Read 2 books this weekend. I had been resisting this book for so long but finally broke down and read it (after cleverly loading onto my delightfully naked Kindle) the yesterday after my catchup phone call with Kate. She said I had to read it. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

I agree. Definite must read. I had no idea it would be so insightful. Mina mentioned it cleverly yesterday too. She is so wise.

24 hours later, I spent today pretty upbeat and optimistic about the world around me. My usual routine involves regular pep-talks with Mochi (yes, my dog) and my imaginary BFF whom I have inner monologues with. I read blogs now. I find words of wisdom, quotes, write down thoughts that give me that "umph" of emotional caffeine to get me up and going - I tweet them. I do. I put on a happy face, I put on an air of Miss Tough Independent Super Cool Fun Go Getter Chick - I go about my day. Today, that did not happen quite according to plan.

6AM - Woke. Energized. Threw in a couple blog entries. Felt proud. Yea!!
830AM - Walked Mochi. Started eyes down tho. Reminded myself, hold your head up. It's ok.
9AM - Back in bed. Reading. Semi energized and optimistic (from the Mochi-walk pep talk)
10AM - Sinking and my mind is vacillating between an emotional blank stare and sleep
11AM - force myself to get up and clean
Noon - Work meeting. Met with Matt to go over piles of financials and PnLs.
2PM - Grab brother and go to dear Sonja's place for an amazing meal. Stuffed my face for the first time in weeks. Food actually stayed in - and is still in.
530PM - Back home. Pangs of regret and realizations of relief start hitting me.
630PM - Advil. Advil. Advil. My body hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
730PM - Distracting myself via emails, business plans, BRDs
800PM - In bed. "Darkness" is setting. My body still hurts. My head hurts. My heart hurts.
10PM - Another realization: I haven't allowed myself any time in the "dark" side in months.
1030PM - Writing about it so I can share it with someone other than my inner BFF.

It's been a rough past few months. When the stress gets loaded on, I tend to try and load on more because that forces me to go into "survival" mode - I get more done, I put on a stoic can-do attitude, I'm here for you. Work stress, my family in town, brother moving to Seattle, relationship, businesses, projects, friends in hospital, people to meet, things to do, smiles to wear, money to raise, people to help, smiles to share.

I haven't let myself just be in a few months (Result: on the verge of tears always. A passive aggressive happy yet bitter attitude - commentary made on this the other week by colleagues). It hit me today - I think I'm actually finally allowed to be right now. I'm going to allow myself to be - to not worry about being strong for someone else. They are okay - they will be okay - I trust that. I'm going to fall now and deal with all the negative emotions, the hurt, the tiredness, the loneliness, the pain, the fear of letting someone down, fear of being fat, fear of looking ugly, ... and just be. Falling hard.

That's the realization. While men need to retreat into caves to deal with solving problems/ overwhelming stress, be selfish and find their inner "mojo"... women need time and a safe place to just be, to be weak and vulnerable, to release sadness/anger/pain/tiredness - that's how women find our inner goddess. Don't judge her while she's at the bottom of the well.

~Arry
PS. Fail - blog post greater than 500 words. Oh well.