Wednesday, December 30, 2009

how to play the game the right way: are you worth it?


Recently, I read a Steve Harvey book recommended to me by a neighbor. Steve's an actor, comedian, radio personality (the Steve Harvey morning show), and author of "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man".

There's a short story in it that I want to share with you. The point of the story is that 1) men always have a plan, and 2) men act accordingly. Women need to get into the habit of figuring out if his plan includes her in it as long term potential - and a woman does that by having standards. Values. Requirements. Standards from day 1. Always. Men call it high maintenance... high expectations.

So ladies... say it with me, "I'm so worth it".

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... one of my daughters brought home her alleged "boyfriend" to the house for a family dinner. You should know that my father-in-law is one of the smartest men I ever met in my life - he's a man I look up to, and I look up to very few men. The things that come out of his mouth are usually, if not always, on point and make me think: The same was true this particular evening when he lined up this boy on the living room couch and asked him plain as day, "So what's your plan with my granddaughter?"

The young man, about thirty, asked very simply, "What do you mean by that?"
"I mean just what I asked," my father-in-law said. "What is your plan?"
"I don't have no plan," he said.
"Then what are you doing?" my father-in-law asked.
"I'm just trying to get to know her," he insisted.
"But what's your plan? Where is this going?" my father-in-law snapped back.

Finally, under the pressure of the questioning, the squared shoulders, and two straight-faced black men making it clear we know the game, the boy finally broke down and said those four fateful words: "We're just kicking it."

My father-in-law sat there and stared at him for a minute, satisfied, finally, that he's gotten to the bottom of it. He tasted blood. "Okay, then - cool," my father-in-law said quietly. "Let's share that with her, that you're just 'kicking-it.' Let's see how she feels being the kicked one. Let's take that back to her."

She looked so crazy when, a few minutes later, we let her know about her man's plans - that they're just "kicking it". Because she knows that from our constant talks and updates and sessions about men when it comes to relationships, you're either being kicked or you're potential long-term material. It can't be both. Clearly, he had a plan that was different from what she wanted.


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If a man likes what he sees - he will always find some way to you. Always. He will always want to sleep with you. So - Women need standards. Values. Requirements. Let the man know up front - and if your price is too high to pay, suggest that he move on.

Men always have a plan. I tend to think that a man knows very (let me stress ~very~) early on whether or not you (the woman) are long term potential (in the forever sense). If so, he'll do is damn best to make it happen. Watch his actions. Don't "stick it out" with a man hoping he'll come around, change, etc... he may, but really, do you want to be with a man by default, or because it was the "right thing to do"? Ideally, no.

~Arry

Sunday, December 27, 2009

becoming number 1

I've been doing a lot of flying lately. To me, flying means uninterrupted time to read (on my fabulous new kindle). On my last trip to Tampa, I flew threw Open, Andre Agassi's memoir. I know not much about Andre Agassi, just that he was a tennis player who was once married to Brooke Shields, and I downloaded the book on a whim, as a change of pace from all the poorly written legal thrillers I had been reading. (What is it about legal thrillers that make them bestsellers despite implausible plotlines and ridiculously unbelievable characters (a lawyer with a heart of gold, an IQ of 170, the wit and charm of a fairytale prince, all wrapped up in supermodel looks? Please.))

I loved the book. It was beautifully written (it was after all the creation of Pulitzer Prize-winning writer J.R. Moehringer) and disturbingly honest, but here is what I got out of it: Talent will only take you so far, even if it is world-class, one-in-a-gazillion, make-others-choke-with-envy type of exceptional talent. Of course, there is hard work and persistence involved (duh), but what Agassi makes infinitely clear is that it is desire that ultimately makes the difference. Easy to say and easy to dismiss as a cliche, but in a world where it is so easy to just get by with what seems like plenty (or at least enough), it is not as easy to want something so badly, both emotionally and mentally, that you will become number one. Sounds like the start-up world to me.

Mina

Saturday, December 19, 2009

the platinum rule of a polarized relationship












The platinum relationship rule goes something like this:

Man must treasure his woman;
Woman must respect her man.


Many of those who hang around me enough have heard me say this many times. Some even say that I sound like an old lady or a fortune cookie - yea, so what? I've spent at least the past decade of my life trying to understand relationships - and this is the holy grail to the world of relationships (between man and woman - other gender pairings, I do not know) that sums up my beliefs.

What do I mean by having spent the past decade of my life trying to understand relationships? For one, I grew up in a very conservative family where the past generations of women did not date. When they came of age, the family found a respectable suitor and they married. It's the way it was. Unfortunately, my mother and some aunts did not marry their preferred choices - and some are still married, and some are not. I decided early on that I would take charge of my own destiny. I’ve done things differently than the family prefers. I wanted to test and learn about the world of relationships before happily committing to my one and only forever. I've dated younger, older, shorter, investment banker, lawyer, deep sea diver, poet, rocket scientist, engineer, ... (and by dated - I mean researched, and anywhere from 3 dates to full on years of real relationships, but mostly 3 dates or weeks). I also spend countless hours talking to people about relationships - why did they marry, how did they know that s/he was the one, do they fight, why do they work, why didn't they work, etc...?

Polarized relationships: This is probably worth another blog article, but I'll give you the quick and dirty. Today, many people believe the ideal relationship is one where you are equal partners, everything split 50-50, and right down the middle. Man and woman sharing responsibilities 50-50 in everything: cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc. Boring. Right. Why? Because men and women are different. We have different needs. We should have different roles and responsibilities (think 80-20 rule). Polarity between a man and a woman is what creates that tension between two people, also known as chemistry, zazazoom, and passion. Without it, you might as well be dating/be married to your brother or sister. Men and women are not equal (at least in relationship speak).

So back to the platinum rule of relationships: Now, agreeing that men and women are different and understanding that a polarized relationship is important to a happy relationship - with mutual respect towards each other a given, of course (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually) - this is the platinum rule. Man, who loves to be the protector driving towards his vision of happiness, needs a woman partner whom he'll treasure and find his sense of freedom/peace with. Woman, who loves to be giving and filled with love needs a man partner, whom she'll respect and entrust him to drive/steer their journey together. Yes, not so "P.C." - we need to get over that.

As for me, that means I need to be with a man whom I can trust - where I can be free to let go of some of these reigns and take care of the things that really matter to me: family, home, art/ music, helping others, and changing the world.

~Arry

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

confidence is a woman's inner goddess

When you sit down and ask most men what they find most attractive about a woman? It's her confidence - her acceptance of herself with the way she looks, her place in the world, the gifts she has to offer, herself. Now, I think most people would agree, that most women do not find themselves and are not able to become comfortable with themselves until later in their 20s, many in their 30s, and for some, later.

What is confidence in a woman? A woman with confidence faces new challenges head on with optimism. A woman with confidence will walk into a room full of people with wet hair and less than perfect makeup - and own it. A woman with confidence will trust that her smile and friendly manner will be what interests and engages others.

Anyways, a short personal story about me as this is something I've been thinking about. The year's coming to a close. 2009... has been a year of challenges, growth, humility, and honest conversations... and a year where I had to question who I was and who I am today over and over. I've come out of a challenging past relationship this past year that was extremely emotionally challenging. I learned to say, "no" and walked away a bit shaken that I had stayed in the rollercoaster of a relationship so long and that I still had it in me to have compassion for this ex. I've recently come out of a crazy experience with a difficult client recently, which also was extremely emotionally challenging. I worried. I pondered. I procrastinated. My ex-client saw my confidence lacking and seized every opportunity take emotional-swings at me. I crumbled. Here I am... wondering, where did I go?

This is me - a person whose clients in the past 8 years have repeatedly cried out, "oh my gosh, the chutzpah in you is so refreshing". Me, who always stands up for the underdog, principles, me/my team. Me, who last year walked up to the CEO of a major corporation and befriended him (after being so impressed with his talk at a United Nations Summit). Me, who usually spends 10 minutes getting ready to go anywhere (be it a fancy gala, meeting up with friends, or even a date).

Confidence is a woman's inner goddess. Me, I have to spend some time un-doing all the negative energy I've picked up from these two past emotional terrorists. I have to be me, for me, because that's the only way to be. If you're with a woman who's had similar situations, if you know a woman who could use some confidence-rejuvenation, take the time to let her know that you support and understand her - that you are on her team.

4 ways to build confidence (in women):
This was inspired from an article I read up awhile back with some major modifications and "arry-ifications".
1) Relaxation - be optimistic and relax the mind (avoid over-analyzing). If you're her man, assure her that she's your one and only love.
2) Be engaged. One thing I've noticed about confident women (or people for that matter) is that even if they are not feeling 100%, they'll throw that energy outwards to the world around them instead of fretting internally about what's not going right or the bad hair day. If you're her man, be engaged with her as you assure her that she's your one and only love.
3) When it rains - let it be rain only. Smile, shake it off, it'll get better. The saying, "when it rains, it pours" does not have to be true. If you're her man, hold her and assure her that she's your one and only love.
4) Be optimistic. Practice being optimistic if you aren't right now. Women have the tendency to read into "tone", facial expressions, etc... again. Smile, shake it off, it'll get better. If you're her man, give her kisses and assure her that she's your one and only love.

Yes, there's some repetition involved above. Yes - if you're her man, ... assure her that she's your one and only love. Serious. Men and women find fulfillment through different means. Men search for direction and freedom. Women search for ways to be filled with love, to be desired, to be wanted. Ultimate fulfillment for both a man and woman happens when the search stops - and they can both relax and just "be". Confidence is a woman's inner goddess.

~Arry

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

making money out of nothing at all

That's right -- the title of this blog is inspired by Air Supply which yes, I have been listening to. My excuse is that my parents are visiting and I thought I could use a break from the likes of Unchained Melody which they are partial to. Secretly, though, I love Air Supply -- there's something very appealing about angst-ridden love songs. Anyway...

Everyone's heard about the mousetrap. Build it and they will come. This is, of course, less than accurate when it comes to starting a company. You have to build it and then convince everyone to use it. When you don't have the marketing dollars of Coca Cola or celebrity friends to flaunt your goods as they get arrested on TV, what are you to do? I recently read the following WSF article about the use of symbolic gestures to make your business look more trustworthy. It is a good one and reminds us that all good things begin with little changes within, in this case, within the entrepreneurs themselves.




From WSJ (11/30/2009)
ENTREPRENEURSHIP

Trust Me

For entrepreneurs looking to gain credibility, it's often the little things that count

How do you persuade people to trust you when you don't have a track record?

It's a question every entrepreneur faces—and it's especially critical these days as lenders and investors look for reasons not to hand over money. To figure out the answer, we interviewed key figures at 28 entrepreneurial ventures in the U.K., including founders, investors, board members, employees and customers.

The Journal Report

See the complete Business Insight report,.

What did we find out? Details matter. Many entrepreneurs are so focused on building the business or getting their product ready for market that they forget to do little things that send a message of credibility—such as making sure their Web site is polished and professional, or sending follow-up notes after a meeting with potential investors.

In our study, the most successful founders were masters at making symbolic gestures that signaled stability and credibility. They might hold meetings in upscale surroundings, for instance, or fill their Web page with testimonials from satisfied customers. Time and again, the entrepreneurs who practiced these tactics landed more funding than those who didn't.

What's more, this advice isn't for entrepreneurs only: Executives from established companies could learn some valuable lessons here, as well. With investors more skeptical than ever, executives must use any resource to convince them that they can be trusted—no matter how trivial the tactics may seem to managers with long careers and long-existing companies behind them.

We found that there were four areas where the right symbolic gestures were vital. Here's a look at those crucial spots—and what executives in businesses of all shapes and sizes can learn from them.

[bi_investor] Wesley Bedrosian
Personal Credibility

First and foremost, it's vital to reassure people that you are personally capable and credible. For entrepreneurs, the issue is: Are you the kind of person able to build a company? In an existing company, it's more: Are you the kind of person who can manage a complex project competently? How personally committed are you to the idea that you are proposing?

There are a number of ways to drive home the point.

Reveal yourself. Many businesspeople are reluctant to be specific about their personal history or interests in meetings. They may think it's irrelevant or inappropriate, for instance, or they may simply feel pressed for time. But the entrepreneurs who are successful know how to deploy personal details that will strike a chord with listeners.

How? They do homework before big meetings—such as researching a potential investor's history on a social-networking site—and during the meeting they're very attentive to body language and verbal signals. For instance, background research might show that you and a potential investor have a common interest in college football. During the meeting, you might refer to a recent big game to underscore a point—and if the investor responds well to the reference, you might use more sports analogies when talking about your business.

This also applies to personal history. Disclosing critical details can make all the difference, such as a shared school affiliation or hometown, as well as a personal achievement. In our sample of entrepreneurs, for instance, all were graduates from the same top business school. But the ones who actually told potential investors proved most successful at attracting capital.

"I am sort of skeptical about M.B.A. qualifications," admitted one venture capitalist. "The fact [that he let us know] that he was from a prestigious business school did help." Put your money where your mouth is. Some entrepreneurs take only token wages or forgo a salary altogether. This serves two purposes. On a concrete level, it keeps costs to a minimum or cuts them out completely, which is vital when money is tight. On a symbolic level, it shows a full commitment to a business and sends a compelling signal to potential investors. Consider this comment by one investor in our sample: "Anyone can make a good business plan, but it's got to be the people behind the business plan. It's got to be their commitment—that is what helps you make hard decisions about investing. It tells you that when the chips are down, these people are not going to jump ship. They're going to stay fighting."

A word of caution, though, for executives at existing companies: A $1 salary may be seen as a public-relations gimmick as much as a sincere expression of personal responsibility and passion for the business. Meanwhile, some experts worry about sending another negative message—the executive is wealthy and can take or leave the money.

A Signal Triumph

  • The Quandary: It's tough to persuade people to trust you when you don't have a track record—especially now that lenders and investors are looking for reasons not to hand over money.
  • The Missing Ingredient: Many entrepreneurs are so focused on building the business or getting their product ready for marke that they forget to do little things that send a message of credibility.
  • Moves That Matter: In our study, the most successful founders were masters of symbolic gestures—from holding meetings in upscale venues to displaying industry awards on their Web site.
The Company's Professionalism

Businesspeople also need to sell the idea that their project or company is professional. But how do you do that with few resources?

Keep up appearances. A professional look helps reassure investors that a company's structure and processes are stable. Businesspeople should make sure that everything they show investors—from presentations to business cards to Web pages—is thoughtfully prepared. As obvious as it seems, personal appearance counts, too. Executives would do well to invest in a professional wardrobe, and take some coaching in presentation skills. (Recalling his team's sloppy appearance at a failed meeting, one red-faced entrepreneur admitted, "We were just a bunch of clowns wandering around with PowerPoint presentations.")

Location, location, location. The old adage also holds true here: Executives should secure the most desirable spot possible for their offices. Of course, not everyone can afford this, but there are ways to save. For instance, some entrepreneurs in our study arranged to meet in impressive surroundings—such as fancy hotels—or they rented shared offices in tony neighborhoods. Again, this serves a twofold purpose. Practically speaking, it's cheaper than getting very expensive digs. It also has valuable symbolic meaning. As one entrepreneur explained, "When we asked [our investors] why they had given us this chance, rather than some of our perhaps better-established competitors, they told us that they were so impressed that we were obviously a business of substance, because we had such a large, well-appointed office. They didn't know that we had a very, very small office, just in a large building."

Obviously, we're not advising a display of fake luxury—executives should not lie to potential investors, or go way beyond their means to make a better impression. What's more, before plunging into a deal for upscale offices, managers should be sure that their potential investors actually place a high value on this kind of display. For instance, they should ask other clients about the investors' preferences—as well as what their offices look like.

The Track Record

A common complaint among entrepreneurs in our study is that investors demand proof of some past accomplishment before they commit resources. But there's no way to get a track record without resources to develop an idea. The most successful entrepreneurs found ways to address this Catch-22 situation.

For example, rather than merely describing their product on paper, some entrepreneurs developed a prototype, or used controlled product demonstrations, to convey how the product might work. One investor who was won over this way told us: "This win happened when the business founder gave what I'll call a controlled demonstration. The demo looked really great."

For Further Reading

See these related articles from MIT Sloan Management Review.

  • Unconventional Insights for Managing Stakeholder Trust
    By Michael Pirson and Deepak Malhotra (Summer 2008)
    Many companies invest considerable time and energy trying to build trust with customers, employees, suppliers and investors. Why are some of those efforts doomed to fail?
    http://sloanreview.mit.edu/x/49413
  • Leadership and the Fear Factor
    By Michael Maccoby, Jody Hoffer Gittel and Michael Ledeen (Winter 2004)
    Fear is a four-letter word in companies today, but CEOs' rhetoric of "love" often inspires more cynicism than genuine affection. Leaders would do well to develop a more sophisticated understanding of each term.
    http://sloanreview.mit.edu/x/4524
  • What Really Drives the Market?
    By Marc H. Goedhart, Timothy M. Koller and David Wessels (Fall 2005)|
    Despite the recent popularity of the "behaviorist" view, analysis indicates that, on the whole, investors make rational investment decisions based on their view of future cash flows.
    http://sloanreview.mit.edu/x/47107
  • The Shareholders vs. Stakeholders Debate
    By H. Jeff Smith (Summer 2003)
    Should companies seek only to maximize shareholder value or strive to serve the often conflicting interests of all stakeholders? Guidance can be found in exploring exactly what each theory does, and doesn't, say.
    http://sloanreview.mit.edu/x/44411
  • The Trouble with Being Average
    By Cyril Bouquet, Andrew Crane and Yuval Deutsch (Spring 2009)
    Companies are more likely to achieve profitable sales overseas if their level of corporate social responsibility is either above average—or below it.
    http://sloanreview.mit.edu/x/50316

Another company hadn't produced a single commercially viable product, but it had won industry awards for its technology development. So, it conspicuously displayed its awards on its home page as evidence of external recognition.

"Could we prove [our product] worked in the marketplace?" the entrepreneur told us. "No, we couldn't, but we needed to get those external endorsements to help us."

For managers at an established company, a good strategy is to try to establish a series of modest wins and publicize these as symbols of achievement in a clear—but not conceited—way. A manager might try to win plaudits from customers by delivering top-notch customer service, for instance, and then place those testimonials prominently on the company Web site or in promotional material.

Emphasizing and Building Ties

Being associated with prestigious stakeholders can help elevate one's standing. One business founder explained how having two international companies partner with his travel venture gave him tremendous credibility, which was "absolutely critical" for obtaining funding. Later, he secured the backing of other high-profile investors and industry experts who joined the company's board—and they, too, became important symbols of prestige.

The founder mentioned these ties during presentations, and believed they helped him land sizable contracts. "The reason they think we can do it is they look at our board and they see some very big names on there now," he said.

Finally, it's critical to use symbolic gestures to build and strengthen relationships with stakeholders. Even seemingly small actions can make a difference. For instance, successful entrepreneurs often send flowers or inexpensive gifts with their corporate logo to serve as reminders of the company's reliability—and, even more fundamentally, the fact that the company is still in business. For executives at established companies, personalized emails or handwritten notes of appreciation to colleagues and employees can help them stand out from their peers.

As one of the founders said, "We try to influence the clients' selective recall. The way we do it is through small gifts like a pen or a ruler with our company name on it. People keep these things on their desk, and they use them. You may laugh at this, but the small things help people to remember us."

People seem to appreciate these gestures. One customer in our survey said, "Service is important, and [this company] attends to us as if we were their most important or only customer, and continues to do so."

Of course, none of these strategies should mean faking the way to success. We are not advocating cover-up actions, the way some companies selectively issue one-sided announcements calculated to drive up the price of their stock. With the business world reeling from so many corporate scams of this nature, once-bitten stakeholders will see right through any shallow maneuvers.

To be effective, each of these actions must be underpinned by authenticity. In other words, only promise what you can deliver.