the rules are changing for women (and men)

I'm a sucker for TED.  As I've gotten older, I also prefer the company of women for friends.  In my career, most of my colleagues have been men - recently as I have had the opportunity to venture out on my own (until this past week), I've had the opportunity to choose women to be my clients and colleagues.  Here's a summary of my thoughts from my past 5 years:

The rules for women (and men) are changing:
Liza touches some interesting points.  Back in the day, say children born in the 1960s and earlier, life was different.  Boys became men by having muscles, working on cars, and being protectors and providers...  Girls became women by wearing pink and dresses, taking home economics, and learning to bake and the art of being sweet and soft.  Now - it's different.  Click here to read the rest of the article.

~Arry

[10] 5 ways social media has changed dating

I love social media.  I'm all over it - Twitter, Facebook, LinkedIn, Blogger, etc...  I love how it's allowed me to keep in touch with friends all over the world, reconnect me with friends from decades ago, and build new ones in our ever so busy lives.  Even with Twitter, I cannot thank this tool for how many awesome women I've been able to connect with because of it.  Social media is fun when it comes to dating - you can instantaneously see how your love is doing throughout his day, see the comments from those in his life, virtually flirt back and forth, ... social media provides tools for building authentic relationships --> but in the world of dating, it is truly important to remember to consistently use the more traditional means in growing faith, trust and strength in your love: holding hands, talking on the phone, going on walks, cuddling, kissing, and eye contact (some of my absolute favorites).

As much as I love social media, there are some new challenges and changes it has produced in the world of dating and love.  Some things I've learned and will share:

1. Online personalities do not necessarily present the real person as they are in real life.  The person who interact with and see online is not necessarily the same person in person.  Why?  The person you are building in your mind from watching the conversations and persona's online creates a person that is a little different then who that person is in real life.  Without the other communication cues like facial expressions, body language and tone, what else do you have to work with?  None - you interpret with the lens and bias that you hope to find in this person.

Read the rest by clicking here... 

~Arry

[8] 20 relationship rules

I've been working on this list for the past year or so, and it's been revised so many times.  Of course, this is from my perspective, a woman who dates a man.  Anyways - here's the current state it's in.  I welcome your feedback + thoughts.  xoxo

1.  Love yourself.  Be yourself.  Be true to yourself.  Be good to yourself.  Take care of yourself.
2.  If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.  If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
3.  Trust your gut.  Don't make excuses.  Own it. 
4.  Don't try and change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Click here to continue...

Thanks,
Arry

[6] marathon

The world of startups and the world of love have so much in common, and I'm starting to realize that it comes down to two main things:

1) the world of startups + the world of love are based on the foundational pillar of Faith.  Faith is the main pillar.  Without it, everything else is nothing.  It's a must.  Faith in the dream, in the past/present/future, in each other.  Assure your partner (whether it's business or love) with your words and behavior that s/he can have complete faith in you.  Be open - whatever you do, do it openly and honestly.  Don't play games.  Don't do it.  Look out for anything that'll weaken this pillar - kill any inkling or tiny bit of suspicion early and quickly. 

2) the world of startups + the world of love is like a marathon.  Assuming you've got Faith as a pillar that you are actively maintaining and growing - then it's about the marathon.  Pace.  Breathing.  Stretching.  Training.  Growing.  Working.  Persevering.  It takes diligence, hard work, and a common vision.  If you've ever run long distances before, you'll totally get what I mean.  Undeniable, unwavering focus.


Yours,
Arry

woman quits her job to take break and find a husband

Perspective, perspective, perspective.  Again... the question comes to: are you a career woman or a woman-with-a-career?  What are your priorities?  If you have to make choices - what is more important to you?  Can you be a career woman AND have it all?  Do you want children and a family?  What do you think? Do women need a man? Is Julia Yarbough crazy? Did she wait too long to try to find a husband? Is this her due "punishment" for putting career first?

We hope the best for you, Julia - We hope you are doing well and think it's great to take the time to take care of yourself.  Personally I don't believe in chasing men - but taking the approach in taking a breather, giving yourself space to be introspective - and giving a good man the opportunity to come into your life and find you - that works.  (The full story, here.)

~Arry

[3] ... ever have someone say to you, you're too nice?

Ever have someone tell you you're too nice to them? It doesn't matter if you were being "too nice" to a boy, to a girl, to a man, to a woman, to a friend.  Ever have someone say they don't deserve your love?  Has it happened to you? 

If so - run.  Run far away in the opposite direction of the person that just said it.  If it's happened to you recently, ...  run!  That's a big [big, big] red flag - and it usually means, that recipient of your niceness and love doesn't deserve it.  A girlfriend whom I met on the eve of 2007 told me this one time as we were sitting on the floor of my living room chit-chatting away about life and love.  She said, "You know what I dislike the most, Arry?  I really dislike it when someone says You're too nice."  ...  and her words hit me hard.  It was like someone took a gong and slammed my heart against it.  I used to hear those words often.  You're too nice.  What in the word - I'm too nice!?!?!???  Why can't a person just be kind, nice, loving just because?  Ah... well, experience...

Because the undeserving person will take advantage of you.  I heard these words again in the past year - and against my better judgement I stuck around a little way too long.  It means I have to be careful of who I spend my time with, with whom I open my heart to and allow in, ...  but the idealistic romantic in me wishes I didn't have to be so careful... and that the deserving one will appreciate my gifts to them.

What do you think?

Good night,

Arry

what's in rubberbands and ropes?

Ah, ... so I mentioned rubberbands and theories a few posts ago.  I've been pondering this a bit over the past couple years, and more recently, the past couple weeks.  Conclusion.  Yes, I believe them. 

Rubberband Theory:
So this was the invention of John Gray, author of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.  Awesome and worthwhile read if you haven't read it yet.  Synopsis: the rubberband theory refers to the male intimacy cycle.  Men lose themselves when he has been deeply intimate with a woman for an extended period of time - in pulling away and going into a "cave" (figuratively), it's a way for him to find himself again.  Gray says, "Pulling away gives him time to reestablish his personal boundaries and fulfill his need to feel independent."  So that's the rubber band theory. 

Advice for the woman who has a partner in "cave" mode:

1. Don't chase, pull, force it, demand from him.  Give him space. 
2. Trust in your man, your relationship.  Rubberband stretches away - and rubberband will bounce back to you stronger than before.  Rubberband and cave time is good for him and the relationship.
3. Take care of yourself. Remember what I wrote before?  Confidence is a woman's inner goddess - hang with the girls, do girls' trips or girls' night out, spa days, read a book, chick flicks, ... 

Rope Theory:
Now rope theory - I had never heard of this before until I overheard the crew of colleagues I work with in my day job as a happy-go-lucky IT consultant.  It's always so interesting to hear this stuff from the man's point of view.  Background - my IT consulting colleagues are generally men.  No surprise there - IT, high tech, men.  My particular company, group of IT consulting colleagues are good men.  Good people - very important to me.  In general, my colleagues are happily married devoted family men - so when I heard them chuckling away at this rope theory, my ears perked up and away I went asking them questions about it whenever I got a chance.

Rope theory: when in a relationship, men have to remember to "pull the relationship rope".  Rein the rope in.  I heard this and I went, "WHAT, FOR SERIOUS!?"  Wait, what do you mean?  So you've heard me say it before many times, man must treasure his woman, woman must respect her man, - this totally goes along with that idea.  I realized that until very recently, I've been looking at the relationship bus all wrong.  The bus driver is not the man, it's the woman.  The navigator is not the woman, it's the man.  Net - the man has to give his woman a lot of rope, to say what she wants to say, to be who she is, do what she wants to do; and if she starts driving the bus off the prescribed path, the man's gotta pull the rope in and get the bus back on track.  (Of course, all this in an appropriate manner and respectfully.) 

An example one colleague gave me was one where he described his very extroverted wife who loves to pack their social calendar.  He's a very introverted guy and doesn't enjoy the social events as much.  The events become draining - and home duties start piling up when the couple is out often.  He reigns the rope in and says something to the effect of, let's take it more easy this weekend and take care of our home... what do you think? 

There's a bit of truths in these theories.  I'm liking these.  More to ponder...

~Arry

eight habits of happy couples

Read an article somewhere in the past few months and thought I'd share my own list with "tidbits" here and there based on my own experiences/research.

The most successful couples 1) make an active commitment every day to their partner, it's a choice you make and then don't screw it up; 2) are in tune with their partner - this requires a strong commitment to communicate (and this doesn't always have to be verbally) and 3) have strong respect for the other as a good person (they share the same values/vision for the future).  I'm going to repeat this again afterwards.

1. Say "I love you" and "Have a good day": Show your partner that you have good intentions for your love and for their well being.
2. Walk hand-in-hand/side-by-side: This is a must.  It shows you like being together, that you are "equals".  You and your love move at your own pace - the world is your playground.
3. Go to bed at the same time: Remember the early days when you couldn't wait to be in bed together? This is prime "connecting" time for you and your partner.
3a. Say "Good night" every night, no matter what: Actively commit once a day - show through your actions that you are choosing to be committed to your loved one every day.
4. Common+Uncommon interests: Have both common interests/hobbies and those you do on your own. Both are important to maintain balance in the relationship. (Don't try and always outperform your partner either).
5. Make trust/forgiveness your default mode: Focus more on what your partner does right: Believe in their good intentions and take a leap of faith and trust them sometimes.  You should have already screened your partner for integrity, trustworthiness, strong values before committing to them.
6. Hug each other as soon as you see each other after work: Human touch is very important - human beings are social beings. Hugs and touch relax and comfort - and studies have also shown that couples that hug/kiss more, have stronger immune systems. I call it "belly love".
7. Do a "weather" check during the day: it'll help you be in sync/in tune with each other.  When you can, ask your partner how their day is going.  Some people don't want to be disturbed at work - so do this as appropriate.
8. Be proud to be seen with your partner: because you belong together!  ^_^

These are habits. With the right partner, these should come automatically - or you should really want to make them habits with that partner and consistently do them to make them habits (21 days straight to make a habit, right?).

Again, the most successful couples 1) make an active commitment every day to their partner, it's a choice you make and then don't screw it up; 2) are in tune with their partner - this requires a strong commitment to communicate (and this doesn't always have to be verbally) and 3) have strong respect for the other as a good person (share the same values/vision for the future).

I've been mulling over my next posting lately: about the rubberband theory and the rope theory.  More to come.

~Arry

flowers - are they in your tool bag for your woman?

Yesterday, as we lounged side-by-side watching Korean dramas, I asked Mina, "do you like receiving flowers"? She replied, "Yes. I love the life of the flowers. I hate cleaning up dead flowers afterwards."

Hmm... I guess I sort of agree. I'd put way more weight on the I love... flowers part. :)

Flowers - they're still one of the best and most simple ways to bring a smile to a woman's face. Traditional. Old school. Romantic. You ask a guy about his thoughts on this ... and very often it's one of those overlooked, under-appreciated tools in a guy's bag of courtship/relationship tricks. Why? Flowers are just soooooo impractical, frivolous, and ... old school. No. Flowers are a timeless symbol of love and affection, and every woman deserves to be adored. Men, bring it back to the top of your tool bag. Flowers are in.

Did you know that back in the day (and I mean back in the day to the age of the togas, robes, and gladiators) that flowers had special meaning and powers? Yes. Powers.

Did you know that back in the day when a man wanted to officially start courting the woman (of his dreams), he presented her with a bouquet of flowers to begin the courtship?

Did you know that different flowers and colors have special meanings? You know something about this if you're Asian. Lilacs - first love. Red roses - passionate love (red roses are in!). Pink roses - friendship. Stargazer - ambition (one of my favs). Magnolia - dignity (def one of my favs - I go look at Magnolia trees in the Arboretum every year. So majestic.).

For a woman, a bouquet of flowers is a gift that moves many of our senses. Think... "bang for the buck". They're pretty to our eyes (just like a woman should be to a man's eyes - ah ha! How symbolic.) They smell awesome as they bloom (smells are important to a relationship - I say, I tend to fall in love via smell. Many women would agree). Flowers are soft to touch (just like a woman's hands, face and skin). Flowers help a woman take a moment during the day to stop and literally "smell the roses" (or whatever flowers she has in her lovely possession). She'll stop and think about her man, the relationship, ... and smile.

You get it?

And for women: women need to appreciate that the act of buying flowers is uncomfortable for a man. It takes him out of his comfort zone. It's not natural (like buying car parts is...). When a man buys flowers for a woman - he's gone out of his comfort zone. A man buys flowers for a woman that he adores because the act is worth it to him to make her happy. Knowing that her man put in effort makes a woman happy. If your man gets you flowers, show some delightful appreciation. Seriously. Your man deserves to know that he is your hero.

~Arry

which one are you: career woman or a woman with a career?

The dictionary defines a career woman as: "woman is a woman with a career who is interested in working and progressing in her job, rather than staying at home looking after the house and children"
http://dictionary.reverso.net/english-cobuild/career%20woman
http://encarta.msn.com/dictionary_1861687171/career_woman.html

Then, what's a woman with a career? I can't seem to find the official definition online - I'd contend that the definition would go something like this: "A woman who is primarily focused on the home and family as her priority, regardless of how successful she may be in her job/career. She prioritizes love, relationships, the family unit above her career.

I'd also modify the official versions of the definitions of a career woman to go more like this: "A woman who is primarily focused on the success of her job/career, over that of the home and family". She is driven and motivated by her own success.

There have been dozens of articles and blog posts about career women - and the fact you ought to avoid these kinds of women, such as: http://www.slate.com/id/2148274/. A lot with strong language about how career women are divorce prone or unable to prioritize in their roles as women first (implying a woman's role is centered around the family and home).

Personally, I tend to agree. If you were to ask me which one I am... I'd say I am a woman with a career. I am passionate for the happiness of those around me (myself included, my family, friends, etc...). A woman (in general) is built to thrive on giving and receiving love - on feelings of want and being needed and appreciated. It is what it is. Women and men = we are different.

~Arry

how to play the game the right way: are you worth it?

Recently, I read a Steve Harvey book recommended to me by a neighbor. Steve's an actor, comedian, radio personality (the Steve Harvey morning show), and author of "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man".

There's a short story in it that I want to share with you. The point of the story is that 1) men always have a plan, and 2) men act accordingly. Women need to get into the habit of figuring out if his plan includes her in it as long term potential - and a woman does that by having standards. Values. Requirements. Standards from day 1. Always. Men call it high maintenance... high expectations.

So ladies... say it with me, "I'm so worth it".

-----------
... one of my daughters brought home her alleged "boyfriend" to the house for a family dinner. You should know that my father-in-law is one of the smartest men I ever met in my life - he's a man I look up to, and I look up to very few men. The things that come out of his mouth are usually, if not always, on point and make me think: The same was true this particular evening when he lined up this boy on the living room couch and asked him plain as day, "So what's your plan with my granddaughter?"

The young man, about thirty, asked very simply, "What do you mean by that?"
"I mean just what I asked," my father-in-law said. "What is your plan?"
"I don't have no plan," he said.
"Then what are you doing?" my father-in-law asked.
"I'm just trying to get to know her," he insisted.
"But what's your plan? Where is this going?" my father-in-law snapped back.

Finally, under the pressure of the questioning, the squared shoulders, and two straight-faced black men making it clear we know the game, the boy finally broke down and said those four fateful words: "We're just kicking it."

My father-in-law sat there and stared at him for a minute, satisfied, finally, that he's gotten to the bottom of it. He tasted blood. "Okay, then - cool," my father-in-law said quietly. "Let's share that with her, that you're just 'kicking-it.' Let's see how she feels being the kicked one. Let's take that back to her."

She looked so crazy when, a few minutes later, we let her know about her man's plans - that they're just "kicking it". Because she knows that from our constant talks and updates and sessions about men when it comes to relationships, you're either being kicked or you're potential long-term material. It can't be both. Clearly, he had a plan that was different from what she wanted.

-----------
If a man likes what he sees - he will always find some way to you. Always. He will always want to sleep with you. So - Women need standards. Values. Requirements. Let the man know up front - and if your price is too high to pay, suggest that he move on.

Men always have a plan. I tend to think that a man knows very (let me stress ~very~) early on whether or not you (the woman) are long term potential (in the forever sense). If so, he'll do is damn best to make it happen. Watch his actions. Don't "stick it out" with a man hoping he'll come around, change, etc... he may, but really, do you want to be with a man by default, or because it was the "right thing to do"? Ideally, no.

~Arry

the platinum rule of a polarized relationship

The platinum relationship rule goes something like this:

Man must treasure his woman;
Woman must respect her man.

Many of those who hang around me enough have heard me say this many times. Some even say that I sound like an old lady or a fortune cookie - yea, so what? I've spent at least the past decade of my life trying to understand relationships - and this is the holy grail to the world of relationships (between man and woman - other gender pairings, I do not know) that sums up my beliefs.

What do I mean by having spent the past decade of my life trying to understand relationships? For one, I grew up in a very conservative family where the past generations of women did not date. When they came of age, the family found a respectable suitor and they married. It's the way it was. Unfortunately, my mother and some aunts did not marry their preferred choices - and some are still married, and some are not. I decided early on that I would take charge of my own destiny. I’ve done things differently than the family prefers. I wanted to test and learn about the world of relationships before happily committing to my one and only forever. I've dated younger, older, shorter, investment banker, lawyer, deep sea diver, poet, rocket scientist, engineer, ... (and by dated - I mean researched, and anywhere from 3 dates to full on years of real relationships, but mostly 3 dates or weeks). I also spend countless hours talking to people about relationships - why did they marry, how did they know that s/he was the one, do they fight, why do they work, why didn't they work, etc...?

Polarized relationships: This is probably worth another blog article, but I'll give you the quick and dirty. Today, many people believe the ideal relationship is one where you are equal partners, everything split 50-50, and right down the middle. Man and woman sharing responsibilities 50-50 in everything: cooking, cleaning, yard work, etc. Boring. Right. Why? Because men and women are different. We have different needs. We should have different roles and responsibilities (think 80-20 rule). Polarity between a man and a woman is what creates that tension between two people, also known as chemistry, zazazoom, and passion. Without it, you might as well be dating/be married to your brother or sister. Men and women are not equal (at least in relationship speak).

So back to the platinum rule of relationships: Now, agreeing that men and women are different and understanding that a polarized relationship is important to a happy relationship - with mutual respect towards each other a given, of course (emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually) - this is the platinum rule. Man, who loves to be the protector driving towards his vision of happiness, needs a woman partner whom he'll treasure and find his sense of freedom/peace with. Woman, who loves to be giving and filled with love needs a man partner, whom she'll respect and entrust him to drive/steer their journey together. Yes, not so "P.C." - we need to get over that.

As for me, that means I need to be with a man whom I can trust - where I can be free to let go of some of these reigns and take care of the things that really matter to me: family, home, art/ music, helping others, and changing the world.

~Arry

where oh where is arry?

Here I am! I've been hearing a lot of feedback these past few months about my lack of writing on the blog... and I am going to make a real concerted effort to do so going forward. Yes, hold me accountable to that.

What’s been on my mind lately, other than our start-up venture and my day job? While I tend to be the bubblier one that likes to skip along the sidewalk while singing love songs to my fuzzy baby, Mochi, I also have a very serious side – maybe even a little dark too. Lately (and by lately, I mean in the past couple of years), I've been obsessed with the world of relationships, of men and women – and as a result, I’ve come up with a lot of Confucius-like sayings. Friends have been calling me the fortune cookie. I'll share some of those as well, along with my rants and thoughts on how or why I think the way I do.

In the meantime - our site is almost ready to go!! We've got working pages, buttons that click, registration pages that create accounts, administration pages to manage our business, it's quite exciting!!! Keep your eyes peeled, ears open, and hearts pitter-pattering for us as we approach our soft launch. We think that our product is awesome – a site designed by women – for women.

Hugs,
Arry